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  • Writer's pictureStaci Jacobs

The Actual

A pill is offered, take it and all the judgement and self doubt disappear. The Inner Critic has disappeared.-YOU ARE FREE.

You are instantly ejected from that warm, safe Matrix-The Before. The perceived reality of the I’m Not Good Enoughs, Should Bes, The Scarys, Some day I Wills and Comfort Zones is gone.

Like Neo, you are plunged into an unknown, discombobulating space- The Actual. Your body is speckled with small black holes where the doubt, second guessing, judgement and fear lived. You feel raw, open and maybe a bit gooey. You open your eyes and see unfamiliar strange figures in shades of gray. They introduce themselves as Possibility, Courage and Curiosity. They are talking to you, telling you The Before is not real- it never was. The Before was a beautifully crafted illusion that you built so well with time and habit. The Before was your armory, locked and loaded to fight all of the things that Possibility, Courage and Curiosity are trying to penetrate. You are confused, upset and cannot trust these Concepts.

At first you fight. You sleep all day, you refuse nourishment, you are uncomfortable and achy. Everything feels harsh, challenging and frustrating. This cannot be The Actual.

You ask if there is a quick fix that will make this discomfort vanish. Possibility, Courage and Curiosity tell you that although the pill took away judgment, self doubt and fear there’s no downloadable program to “just learn” all the things needed in The Actual. That would be too easy and leave no opportunity for Growth. Ah, yes Growth. Growth is the block of weird, brick-shaped goo you must eat every day to nourish your new body with small black holes. You resist Growth. It’s tough, cold, tasteless, gets stuck in your teeth and leaves your stomach unsettled. Possibility, Courage and Curiosity encourage, almost command you to digest your Growth. It’s good for you, they say. Growth is essential to your survival.

After a few weeks, some of the black holes on your body begin to fill. You are missing The Before a little less, the raw itchy parts are forming new skin. You aren’t 100% certain that The Actual is good-but you cannot deny that you feel a shift. You continue the daily dose of Growth. It too is less harsh, easier to chew and, is that a hint of flavor you taste? Growth is no longer upsetting your stomach. You start looking forward to your daily Growth. You get excited thinking about your next meal and your mouth waters when you think about the new flavors you will discover. You start to have longer conversations with Possibility, Courage and Curiosity. They are wise, they are interesting and they even make you laugh at times.

After a few months, the black holes are gone, save for just the slightest shadow of where they once were. You are the only one who can see this shadow, to remind you of the illusion and deceit that was The Before.

Possibility, Courage and Curiosity are your new friends. You trust them, you hear what they offer, you understand their message.

Growth is now a wonderful Michelin- starred meal you indulge in everyday. The Actual is a luscious place layered in color and dense with love.

You are galvanized and excited to immerse into The Actual. Before you jump, It occurs to you that you don’t know your name. Possibility, Courage and Curiosity embrace you and smile.

You are Change.

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